Listen.

Listen to me, please.
Calm down.
Just take a deep breath.
And listen.

You are the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. You’re so talented and so caring and so nice because – you know what it’s like to be down. You know what it’s like to feel worthless, pathetic and hopeless. Which is why you make sure no one has to go through the things you do, which is what makes you a human, something most people forget they are. It’s what makes you you.

To that side of you I must say this:
take care of my best friend. Feed her. Shelter her. Hug her. Make her feel more like the person she is and not the one she isn’t. Scold her when she makes mistakes but also give her room to correct them. Explain to her how caring for herself is not selfish and how she must accept the fact that she’ll have to learn to do so because there will be times when the world will seem like a dark dark cloud with no escape – but if she knows how to put on her oxygen mask she will be safe. But most of all, teach her how to love herself so we have something in common.

There will be times when she gets uncontrollable. Times when unpleasant things start coming your way and things seem to get out of hand. It is in those moments that you will be needed the most. Hold her. Remind her to breathe, and then call xxx-2583xxxx(my phone number), you’ll be sure to get help there.
Remind her of her weaknesses, but also give her strength so she may overcome them.
It pains me to realize that I may not be there at all times in the future to look after her, which is why you must learn to take care of her for me. You’ll do that, won’t you? Look after her. She’s very important to me.

Excerpt from one of the many conversations we’ve had in the recent past. She’s been battling severe depression for a long time, and it just keeps getting worse. I try my best but… it just doesn’t seem enough…

Her.

I haven’t written much lately, and it’s only because there’s so much going on and so much to keep up to, that I simply haven’t found the time. Don’t worry,  I haven’t forgotten about you 🙂 . I need you now more than ever.

You must help me. I’m lost (yet again). Bear with me.

I’m in love with the most marvelous person in the world. Her voice is like the song of the sea, her touch the gentle warmth of the rising sun, her heart the biggest gem in the world and her soul, a raging fire.

But of course, that’s just a few things so wonderful about her. I could go days describing her.

As my luck would have it:
a. She’s In love with someone else (who happens to be the perfect human minus the emotion known as love)
b. She also happens to be my best friend.

So, as you can probably guess, I’m in a continuous cycle of frustration, bitterness and guilt.

I will never be the one. I’m her best friend, I know her well enough to know I’m never going a subject of her feelings. There’s nothing that can be done.

What do you do when the only thing your heart really desires is deemed impossible, even by yourself – for even if , by some miracle, this desire were to be fulfilled, you would inadvertently screw it up, for that is your nature?

That’s not all, unfortunately. 

Her monsters are back, stronger and more dangerous as ever.

Trains.

You know that feeling in your chest when you know you’;re running out of time? You’re in a dark and desolate station, with no one but your loud footsteps on the marble-tiled floor and the giant clock on the other side, glaring at you disapprovingly, to keep you company.

Tick-tock. Tick – tock.

The trains will leave as soon as that bloody clock strikes one. Which one’s yours? You look around and you see a dozen trains in every direction – none of them seem familiar. This is not what you had in mind. Your shadows grows in size as it weighs expectations, helplessness and loneliness down on you. You scream for help, in vain. The echoes bounce off the walls and come swooping back at you like eagles diving for fresh prey.

Tick – tock. Tick – tock.

It’s a beautiful night. The last time you remember seeing the stars so bright was on that road trip you guys had all those years back. Fun times. Suddenly, you realise you don’t know what that’s like anymore. You’re friends are probably out there, having the time of their lives, while you’re stuck here, trying to catch the only train to Your Dreams. You’re slipping, stumbling, and having everything except the time of your life.

Tick – tock. Tick – tock.

You’re afraid. Very, very afraid. Are you afraid of missing your train? Yes, you are. But that fear is overshadowed by the fear of getting on someone else‘s train, eating someone else‘s food, sleeping in someone else‘s bed, going where someone else should be going, and living someone else’s dream till it becomes your nightmare. A chill grabs your spine and yanks your neurons into a frenzy. Your legs turn to stone, and the invisible disappointed glares sear into your back. Amidst all this, you can still hear your heart beat.

Tick – tock. Tick – tock.

You knew this was going to happen. Deep down you know you did, don’t deny it. “You think this is some kind of work of fiction isn’t it?”, your reflection sneers back at you from the marble floor.”You really think some angel’s going to drop down from heaven to save you from yourself?” You shriek as the voices in your head throw curses at you, tugging at your innermost fears.

Tick – tock. Tick – tock.

You take your teary eyes off the ground and you see me, standing there, watching you. You crawl to me and, almost like a prayer, a plea of mercy, you say to me “Please…please just make it stop.” I pick you off the ground, and hold you close – only to whisper in your ear, “Welcome to my world.”

And then the clock struck one.