Fear

First week of May, 2016
I’m scared. It’s nothing new. I’ve always been, of one thing or another. Is this really anything different? Perhaps not. But that doesn’t change anything.

I’m scared of losing my best friend. I’ve got to say, I’ve had plenty of experience in this matter, but that’s what makes this all the more scary.

Back in 7th grade, I had a really, really really close friend. We were practically inseparable. Being avid readers and writers, we never ran out of things to talk about; We could finish each other’s sentences even before we’d done so ourselves. We ate together, sat together did almost EVERYTHING together. This one time, the principal made it mandatory to get a note signed from our parents, if we wished to stay in class during lunch break. Both of us preferred the calmness of the shaded classroom to the hot sun outside. We also had this thing in our school where the whole school ‘participated’ in a drill, of sorts – neither of us were in favor of that either. Unable to explain this satisfactorily to our parents, we resorted to other measures – we wrote each others notes and signed off as each others parents! We never got caught.

Soon, people started to talk. The other guys giggled every time they saw us. The girls asked me where my ‘boyfriend’ was when I walked to the bus stop, alone. They called us gay, acted like they thought it was normal, and snickered behind our backs all the same. I didn’t care what they said; since when did the tiger brood over the opinion of the sheep? I didn’t give a damn. But he did.

As I look back today, I curse myself for not talking to him about it. For doing NOTHING as I watched him drift away. We were young and I guess these things mattered then: what people said about you, how people saw you. It took all of us time to get over all that. I promised myself that I will NEVER stand by ever again, and do nothing as I watch people close to me drift away.

And here I am.

My best friend is going through depression. And I’m scared I’m going to lose her.

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Last week of May, 2016
I sit on the green wooden bench next to the tennis court. It’s getting dark. A notification message flashes on my phone’s screen, telling me how much the hour-long conversation we just had cost.

My best friend had to go to the doctor because her blood pressure was dropping. She didn’t tell her parents the real reason behind it – the blame was placed instead on the side effects of a rather harmless medicine. She’s losing her appetite, along with her interest in life in general, and her bursts of sadness and negativity are more intense and frequent. I call or text her almost everyday to check on her, trying my best to understand her, doing whatever I can.

I always considered myself a positive person: I could always manage to see the good side of bad situations and to learn from the worst. Thus, when she tells me what it is that’s troubling her, I tell her exactly what would go on in my head if I were in that situation: about the positive aspects and what I could learn from it.

There are times when she refuses to listen to anything I say due to utter distress, and I find myself wishing I could just hold her, look into her soul and convince the stubborn little thing that everything would be alright.
Partly because I know I have a mission: to make the lives of the people around me better and worth living. And partly because no one held me when I was down.

I know she will get through this.

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Mid-June,2016
She’s better now. Shaky at times, but her smile’s back. God, how I missed it.

The term started with piles of work being loaded on to us, making it harder breathe. But as far as my concern went, it kept her busy. An idle mind is a devil’s workshop.

That still didn’t mean her bursts of negativity were gone – but they weren’t anything I couldn’t bring down.

Last week of June, 2016
It’s been a while since I saw her grinning at me the way she did today – Hopping about, dimples punctuating her smile, eyes shining brighter than ever from behind those heavy glasses.

“The piano recital was so amazing! Everyone was there! and guess what? My hands didn’t shake a bit! And oh. My. God. Thomas was there and he was so good. Did you know that he…”

All I knew was that I promised myself, right then and there, that this was how I would remember her forever.

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July 1st, 2016

My phone vibrated aggressively , demanding my attention. My screen flashed: New Message.

“Can I tell you something that might sound weird? But like, I mean it in the most innocent way possible.”

“You know you can.”

“If something goes wrong and I tell you, sometimes it’s like…
Like just by telling you, it’s taken care of  🙂
And sometimes I feel like…
This boy is my bestest friend and he can fix everything wrong in the world for me just by listening to me.”

I couldn’t stop smiling for the rest of the day.

P.S:- 1 down, 7.1 billion to go. 🙂